The Key to not let a Man get to you

I don’t claim to be an expert on this subject. My credentials consist of the fact that I’ve been with the same man for 10 years now and married to him for the last 5 years – no different from many other women around the world.

One difference I can claim, however, is that while I have been with this man I have worked with him, Moved Interstate and away from family and friends with him, Traveled throughout Africa, Europe and New Zealand with him, Gone through a Business Failure with him, and Declared Bankruptcy with him and we are still together, living each day and growing as one.

Does ‘my man’ piss me off sometimes? You bet!

Do I still let him ‘Get to me’? – Sometimes, however I believe after going through the things we have together, I have worked out a way to accept him and to ‘get over it’, whenever I find he is getting on my last nerve. Hopefully some of my personal solutions to healing some of the common relationship frustrations will help you too.

The following is a list of some scenarios when ‘my man’ really gets to me:

• He sits on the couch and barks orders at me such as ‘What’s for dinner?’, ‘ Can you get me a drink?’, ‘Can you feed this to me while I play my Playstation Game’ – Unbelieveable I know!
• He talks fondly of his ex-girlfriends
• He leaves a mess just after I’ve cleaned
• He looks like a mess when we go out in public
• He complains about his weight but does nothing about it
• He has no spontaneity, such as giving flowers, going out to dinner or giving me any surprises
• He talks fondly of me to others but rarely to my face
• He has no real goals or ambition
• He acts differently when his friends are around to when we’re alone

You will no doubt have a list of your very own as to what it is that your man does that gets to you.

Release the Frustration

The first thing I tend to do to release my frustrations associated with a particular behaviour is to remind myself of the following:

‘I am an amazing person who takes care of him and loves him for who he is’.

I believe that reminding yourself of how wonderful you are immediately interrupts your anger, just as telling yourself that you love him for who he is. When you tell yourself this, usually, you can’t help but be transported back to a time when you were happy together and had fun. Your present frustrations are interrupted and you are reminded that your current feelings are only temporary – you love this person and he loves you – end of story.

The annoying Man at Home

If you find that the majority of the times when your man gets to you you’re at home, try out the following:

Create a ‘Haven’ for yourself. Whether it be the kitchen, bedroom, office or a spare room that you decorate for yourself, make sure it’s a place that is comfortable, decorated how you like, and embellished with the touches that you like such as pictures, cushions or candles and that you can escape to – away from any frustrating circumstances.

When you find your man is driving you insane while he’s playing the Playstation or watching Sports on the couch, and swearing profanity at the TV everytime his team loses a point (or whatever), you will now have the option to remove yourself from this scenario and into your ‘haven’.

While in your ‘haven’, make sure you participate in the activities that you enjoy, such as cooking, listening to music, reading, giving yourself a manicure/pedicure, taking a bubble bath, or calling a girlfriend or family member to let off your steam.

If there are certain scenarios about your man that seem to take place consistently – such as he constantly drops his dirty clothes on the floor, right next to the hamper, rather than actually putting them in the darn hamper! – you could consider just ‘letting go’ and leaving them there. Or better yet, if that will simply drive you crazy, then leave them somewhere that will drive him crazy, like on his side of the bed, or where he sits on the couch – he will get the message and you won’t even have to yell at him!

If your man is always sitting on his favourite spot on the couch and quizzing you as to what’s for dinner (and this bothers you), then you could feign interest as you say something like ‘ I don’t know – you tell me’. Meanwhile, you could then, remove yourself back into your ‘haven’ to resume doing what you were doing.

The annoying Man at Work

If you happen to work with your man (and if you do, I commend you because I’ve done it and I know how hard it can be), you must remember that separating your life is essential. Your workmates don’t want to hear about your domestic issues, and on the other side of the coin, you also don’t want to be talking about your work issues when you’re at home either.

A way around this, I found, was to commute to work together if at all possible. This way, you can discuss any pressing issues on your way to and from work, so while your at work, you have no desire to berate your man for not rinsing his dishes that morning, as well as discussing any work issues on the way home, so you can enjoy a relaxing night together.

Keep in mind that when you’re at work, there is the ‘work’ you and the ‘home’ you – which is the same with your man. Try your best to keep the two separate, and you’ll find that your frustration level will be kept to a minimum. If you do find that you have a pressing personal issue you have to talk to you manr about when you’re both at work, perhaps it’s best to send him an email, rather than bailing him up in the lunchroom – the possibility of being caught having an argument in front of staff and co-workers is best to be kept to a minimum.

The annoying Man when being Social

If you find that your man acts differently toward you when your/his friends are around, it might be an idea to stop going out with them for a while. When he questions you about it, tell him honestly that you don’t appreciate being treated that way. If you must go out with everyone, and you find that you’re being treated differently than usual, ignore your man when he acts this way toward you. He will get the hint and most likely, his/your friends will recognise his behaviour as being unacceptable. On the way home or the next day, depending on the circumstances, is your chance to explain why you chose to ignore his rude and immature behaviour. You will not tolerate being treated that way, and you’re sure that his/friends agree that he was being unfair to you.

The annoying Man that talks fondly of his ex-partners

Personally, this used to bother me quite a bit – afterall, I don’t want to hear how wonderful ‘the girl that got away’ was.

Then, one day I had an epiphany, my man has chosen me, over and above all the rest.  No matter how beautiful, smart or attractive these ex-girlfriends were, he chose me, and I chose him, which says to me that what we have is special. Our connection and relationship blew all those others so far out of the water that my man chose to propose to me and marry me.

It doesn’t matter if you’re not married. The point is that your man loves you and is with you because you can give him the companionship, love, respect, happiness and satisfaction that no other partner could. The past is past – all that matters is Now, and right now, you love him and he loves you.

Once I had this realisation, now everytime he would mention an ex-girlfriend, I will proudly say, “Ha!, but you chose ME!’ and give a genuine smile.

The annoying Man that says things to deliberately get on your nerves

“He always says things that he knows are going to upset me or make me mad”….the solution to this is easier than you think.

Don’t take the bait!

Why does he do this? Most likely he’s bored.  What he wants is a reaction out of you, this is what will give him the satisfaction and attention he craves.

The next time your man says something to deliberately get on your nerves,simply  pretend you didn’t hear him.

Or better yet, ignore him and then say,

‘Sorry, what? I was daydreaming about (insert sexy actor here)’.

A little bit of payback never hurts and that will likely shut him up!

The annoying Man who won’t lose weight

Admittedly this one is a tough one, because I still have this problem, and it seems that the more I push it, the more my man digs his heels in. Then, if I simply let it go – so does he, and he does nothing.

One thing I’ve found is that losing 10kg myself, helped a lot. Once I stopped indulging in the same behavioral patterns as my man and started taking the initiative to excercise, eat healthy foods, and drink lots of water, he has started to take notice and adopt some of my own new healthy habits.

One thing I’ve learned is that if my man wants to lose weight and make the change, he must do it for himself. No amount of nagging from me is going to spur him on. By seeing me make the changes within my own life, I believe I’ve given him some inspiration and helped him to realise that it is possible, if you believe in yourself and put in the effort.

Stop your Man from getting to you For Good

Believe it or not, there is a way you can stop your man from getting to you for good. In every situation, every day of our lives, we are always making choices. To get up early or to sleep in, to prepare chicken for dinner or beef, to wear the pants or a skirt….the same goes for your relationships. If someone is rude to you, believe it or not, you have the choice to be upset by it or to not care. Generally our reactions to situations are learned behaviours. It is second nature to us that when a person is rude to us, we get offended – it’s what you’ve always done and what you will continue to do unless you take control of your feelings and make a conscious change.

When your man is getting to you, doing whatever it is that he’s doing that drives you crazy, you have the choice to let it get to you or to not care.

Take some time to think about the last thing your man did that really got to you. Feel the feelings you felt at that time and replay the scene in your mind as it happened.

Now, replay the scene again, but this time, instead of replaying it exactly as it was at the time, replay the scene with you giving the opposite reaction – for example a type of  ‘whatever’ & shrug your shoulders reaction as opposed to you yelling at your man and storming out of the room.

Replay the scene like this a few more times and you may start to realise that it also changes the way you feel about the overall situation. With your ‘whatever’ reaction, you may find that you are also no longer letting what happened affect you – which is a major part of the challenge. Most of the time, it’s not the moment of interaction itself that gets to us, it’s the fact that we replay it over and over again in our minds, letting it fester and upset us the more we think about it.

If you can learn to let go of your immediate learned behaviour in a situation like this, in which you would usually get upset and frustrated, and adopt a more carefree attitude, this is a major step. You will begin to realise that your man isn’t deliberately doing things to get to you or upset you, it’s the meaning and emotion you are attaching to these situations which are making them seem all the more frustrating and upsetting.

Another thing you can do is interrupt your anger or frustration the moment it starts happening. For instance, your man is being a pain, and deliberately trying to get on your nerves, as you feel your tension level start to rise and your heart start to pound, and you are choosing which witty comeback to say to him do something completely different – like starting some jumping jacks or shaking your head or yelling out ‘WOOHOO!!!’. This may sound a little crazy, but you’ll find that by doing something completely out of the ordinary like this, you’re interrupting your usual reaction to this situation thereby stopping yourself in your tracks and breaking your usual pattern of getting angry, yelling and blurting out things you will regret later.

A third option is to completely remove yourself from the situation. For example, if your man is sitting on the couch and being lazy and this is driving you nuts, maybe it’s time to go for a walk or a bike ride. Maybe you need to get some milk from the supermarket or go and visit your neighbour. After you’ve taken yourself away from the annoying situation, you’ll find you will calm down immensely, and it will also give you an opportunity to think about what you’d like to do when you get back.

When you release the attachment to each of the things your partner does that consistently get to you, you’ll find that you are able to be more relaxed and happier within yourself and within your relationship.

As you learn to focus on what an amazing person you are and the fact that you love your man for who he is, you are allowing yourself to grow and your relationship to flourish.